Liar, liar, pants on fire

Damn realestate agents!!!

Instead of lying out of your asses and saying this:

Be the first to inspect this completely renovated and extremely spacious 2 bedroom apartment set at the rear of the complex with street frontage to Kooyong Rd. You have the convenience of the tram at your doorstep with a short stroll to local shops and trendy Glenferrie Road. Comprises lovely dark timber floors throughout, wide entrance hall, two large sunny bedrooms both with BIRs, separate WC, lovely modern bathroom with fully fitted European style laundry, separate dining room, spacious sunny lounge room with access to private balcony, functional modern kitchen with all new appliances including dishwasher and loads of cupboard space. Also features electric heating, roman blinds, quality fittings throughout and under cover car space. VIEW BY APPOINTMENT

Why not, tell the truth AND STOP WASTING MY TIME!!!!

Come and join 75 other near-homeless people desperately seeking shelter, in inspecting a fucking TINY apartment that has just been painted to cover up the blood smears on the wall. Come and enjoy the smell of wet dog and dead rats as you listen to the trams thunder by at all hours of the night. You will only need a map, compass and sleeping bag to navigate your way to a Saturday morning coffee and the newspaper. The microscopic bedrooms are drafty and have no drapes, so if you like sleeping past 6am, buy some drapes... or, sleep in the lob-sided hallway. The bathroom has mould growing on the ceiling and walls, and the window faces into the creepy next door neighbour's bedroom. So make sure to shower, fully clothed. The water pressure is almost non-existent, but the hot water will probably run out, just as you have shampooed your hair and shaved one leg. So perhaps, don't even bother. The kitchen has a sink and a stove with burnt cheese stuck to it. You can park your car in the tin shed 200 metres around the block. LEAVE AT LEAST 45 VOICE MESSAGES ON MY PHONE... I MIGHT CALL YOU BACK TO SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT, BUT DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH.





I HATE HOUSE-HUNTING!!!!

WHAT DID YOU SAY??

Paris Hilton REALLY IS releasing an album!

Here I was thinking, she would get bored and just buy another ferret or take her clothes off, or something.

GOD HELP US ALL!!!!!

Chillax

Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!

Man, my team suck. I need a new sport to worship.
Maybe, I should start supporting Fencing.



Or Curling.



Or, whatever this is...



Or maybe I could create my own sport. I mixture of Curling, Fencing and funny bat whacking thingys.
Hmmm... funny bat whacking thingys and swords on ice.
Not sure how popular it would be.


Anyhoo, in light of my title... it is most certainly time to relax. After last week's hectic study/work hours and emotional torture, it is definetley time to chill the fuck out.

I tried to do that by watching football on the weekend. But considering watching Essendon was like: watching a bunch of pansy ass wankers running around in short shorts, playing like a bunch of chicks, certainly wasn't helping my chillax techniques, nor my blood pressure levels. It still isn't, incase you haven't noticed. I tried to watch the Geelong vs Richmond game, hoping that the Cats would finally pull their fingers out of their bums and play some football... but they just plain sucked too, like Homer said. So football isn't going to chill me out. And I'm clutching at straws to figure out what will.
An orgasm would probably do the trick. But I didn't just say that... so wipe it from your memories right now!!!!!!!

And thank you to everyone who was concerned about my train crash... we have finally cleared the debris and are ready to get on with it.

The creepy postman didn't come today. He changed his rounds. Just like that.
I'm such a heartbreaker!!

Bye for now..

YGF

Ugly Day

I'm having and ugly day today...
It sucks.

It didn't seem to deter my Postman friend, who decided to ask me out today.


As I glared at him over the top of my extra large, triple shot skinny latte (one too many beers last night)... he said to me...
Him: "You know... coffee is bad for you"
Me: "Coffee keeps my blood pumping"
Him: "Perhaps you should switch to tea... lots of antioxidants"
Me: (in my head) "Perhaps you should go outside and play a game of Hide and Go fuck yourself"
Him: "You know, a friend of mine is having a thing at the bar downstairs tonight... do you go there?"
Me: (in my head... NOT ANYMORE!) "Sometimes"
Him: "You are more than welcome to come sit with us"
Me: "Sorry, I have to meet my boyfriend for dinner" (BIG FAT LIE)
Him: *Looking like I just bitch slapped his mother* "Oh.....ok"
Me: "Have fun though... bye now"

He walks away, dragging his feet with his head down.

I felt really bad. For like a second.

I have always been quite nice to him... I'm nice to everyone I meet... and always up for a friendly chat.
Maybe 'being nice' is flirting nowdays, I don't know. But I never gave him THAT look. The YGF, you are so totally *in* look.

Oh well, I'm sure he will find another unsuspecting office chick to harass.

There really is not much else to report.
Going househunting with my new flat mates tomorrow. Should be interesting.
J and I have not spoken in 3 whole days. I'm thinking it's one of those, 'bet your not as stubborn than I am' games.
But I'm getting tired of it. All.

YGF

I need giggles

New episode of Family Guy tomorrow night.
I have been missing a lot of my fave shows lately, and that sucks. Laughing keeps me sane. But I have hardly had the time to relax as of late... so it's a bit scarce on the giggle fits around here! Hopefully that will change after I get through this week.


I miss Stewie.


YGF's favourite Stewie quotes:


Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

Stewie: Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

Stewie (reading the Bible)" My my, what a thumping good read, lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.

Stewie: For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!

Can't wait.

And J and I have just discovered 'Weeds", which I'm finding quite funny. It's not shown on TV down under... so we are watching dodgy copies that a friend brought back from Bali!

Melbournians = all creepy-like

Google Trends has been a hot topic around the office the last few days.
We have all been aimlessly searching for topics like "gangrene" and "free porn" and sleuthing out the culprits!!
Bored, anyone?!

Anyway, I came across a few trends that made me realise what a bunch of weirdos we really are!

Melbourne was rated #1 in the world for searches:
"Cakes"
"Bomb"
"Footy"

#2 in the world for "lonely".

#10 in the world for "gay sex" and number #5 in the world for "amphetamines" (the top 5 was all Australian cities)

So... what did I find out?

We are a bunch of cake eating, lonely, footy obsessed, homosexual terrorists, who take lots of drugs.

Yep... that's what I thought.

www.google.com/trends

An oldie but a goodie

JERK: Woman at the MacDonald's counter who said: "Yes maam, there is butter and Vegemite inthe bag with your toast"... then I get back to the office and find that THERE IS NO FREAKING VEGEMITE!!!!! I hate you MacDonald's woman... hate. You not only ruined my breakfast... but my ENTIRE MORNING!!

Ah... feels better that I got that out.

A quick, fly by update.

My train didn't crash. J's ok with that. "Maybe next time" he said and we laughed.
And that was the end of it. We are like that.
Our arguments are becoming more frequent and more nasty - but there is still a lot of lovin going on.
So don't worry kiddies, Mommy and Daddy will be together for a little while longer!

I'm so freakin busy. I shouldn't be blogging... so I'm going to stop.

All aboard the train wreck

J's last words to me as he dropped me off at the train station this morning -
"I hope your train crashes"

Gee... trouble in paradise, you think?!

Return of the creepy postman

Conversation:

Postman: Did you change your hair?
YGF: Um... no... I brushed it... if thats... what you... mean.... *quizzical/horrified look on face*
Postman: Well it looks delicious...
YGF: Ah... um....
Postman: Kind of like lemon meringue cream pie.
YGF: Thanks *starting to get a little nervous*
Postman: I bet ya it smells good too... one day.... maybe....
*Co-worker walks past*
YGF: Um... P (!!!!)... don't we need to talk about those, um.... "TPS reports"... NOW!!!
Co-worker laughing: Yeah... good one Dom... I got the memo... you idiot.
YGF: No, really... *visibly disturbed*
Postman: Well, I best be off. Take care, my sweet little cream pie.
YGF: Ew.

I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO TOMORROW!!!!

We are happy little vegemites, as bright as bright can be!

I just got off the phone to a good friend of mine that has been living in London for 2 years.

She told me how much she despises the Aussie accent now that she has finally lost hers. I was a little insulted, fair enough it can be annoying for foreigners, it is VERY lazy and drawl like.
But we live in a great country, we should be proud of that.
That’s it… I’m cutting off her Vegemite supply.

And before you ask, I’ve apologized for Paul Hogan and Steve Irwin enough… it’s not our fault!! (Entirely)

Because I am indeed, ‘true blue’, I thought I would share some of the funniest Aussie slang words. Some we use regularly, others are reserved for the footy and/or country pubs only.

Give it a burl!


Ankle biter : small child
Barbie : barbecue (noun)
Barrack : to cheer on (football team etc.)
Beaut, beauty : great, fantastic
Bloody oath! : that's certainly true
Brick shit house, built like a : big strong bloke
Cark it : to die, cease functioning
Cut snake, mad as a : very angry
Hooroo : goodbye
Shout : turn to buy - a round of drinks usually ("it's your shout")
True blue : patriotic
Tucker : food
Yakka : work (noun)
Give it a burl : try it, have a go

General Feeling of the Day

For fans of the film, it won't need explaining.
For others, just think... dumped, slumped and stumped.

Although this general feeling is a huge, dead weight on my shoulders... I'm feeling a little less bogged down after visiting some fave blogs. Let me share:

*Bear in mind I cannot hyperlink, sorry.

CASUAL SLACK:
Jen is a cool, intelligent chick who always has the coolest links out. She's so cool, I can actually forgive her for watching the American version of 'The Office'. Jen has been following the chronicals of 'Norna' on YouTube.com... go there if you are feeling like a silly, cheap laugh.

SOUTHSIDE ADVENTURES:
Easy is into baseball... clearly. I hardly understand most of his posts, because they are about baseball. But when he has something else to say, it is always smart and entertaining and usually involves a half naked picture of a hot babe. What more could you want in life!?!?!

THE ORAL REPORT:
Tammy is the yummiest mummy out there. She writes beautifully and visiting her blog always makes you feel warm and cosy.
Her 'Flashback Friday' gig will always keep you glued to the screen, wanting more!

TALES OF A SOCCER MOM & SEX KITTEN:
Marci is another yummy mummy, who freaks me out sometimes - only because we seem to think of the same things at the same time. If it was possible for me to have a long lost, Latin-American sister who lives in Texas, she'd be it! She never holds back on her posts and speaks her mind and heart, everytime.

Some new faves that I am warming up to very quick:

http://www.thelumberyard.blogspot.com/ - Drew is an American expat living in Melbourne. His blog is also intelligent and funny... and he makes fun of us Aussies... which is completely understandable. HA!

http://2dollarproductions.blogspot.com/ - Very fun blogger, who pokes fun a Kevin Costner, there is nothing better!

There are lots of others... so I will post about them next time.

In the meantime, check em out!!

YGF x

My team suck

BOTTOM of the ladder, its two best players injured and losing to Carlton — Essendon yesterday reached as grim a moment as Kevin Sheedy has confronted in his coaching career.

To compound the misery of the 33-point loss to Carlton before the lowest-ever crowd for the two teams at the MCG, Essendon star James Hird strained a hamstring and will miss at least three weeks.

The Bombers trailed all day against the Blues and slumped to their sixth consecutive defeat - 17.9 (111) to 11.12 (78).

I copied this from The Age website: I can't possibly write any more about it. I'm so disappointed and angry.
Our season is already over and it's only Round 7. I mean, fucking Carlton, of all teams!!!!!!!!!!

As much as I luv ya Sheeds, it's about time you resign and let someone else have a go.
Once upon a time, you were a good coach... those days are gone my friend. GONE!

Excuse me while I wipe away my tears... Boo Hoo.

How to be a domestic goddess - 50's style

The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life. Maybe after reading this, all you women out there will understand your Mothers and/or Grandmothers a lil' bit better.


Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a well balanced, delicious meal - prepared and ready to serve at the usual time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. Some men like a drink before dinner, if so, plan to keep the meal warm, and not burn anything while he finishes his drink.


Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. Remember too that the women who are in the work force are usually well-dressed and single, and probably looking for a husband.


Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.


Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are too young to do so themselves. Comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are his little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Caution the children that while discussion is welcome at the dinner table, unpleasant squabbles or disputes should wait until a later time.


Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer or dryer. Make sure all appliances, such as the vacuum are properly put away. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.


Avoid Using the Phone: Should anyone telephone you before/during/after dinner, politely advise them you'll return their call after doing the dinner dishes.


Things to Avoid: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner and didn't have time to call. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.


Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind, either before or after dinner. Some men relax with the evening paper, others with TV.


Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. However, should you sense his mood sullen because of the business day, be prepared for some light hearted banter or just some small talk.


Stress the Positive: Plan to inform your husband of the positive events of the day; include the children's accomplishments.


Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.


The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax and enjoy himself.


--

I hope my future husband is happy with a nympho wife, that will fetch the beers and be happy to watch sport with him. I'll hire a maid.
I would never have the patience for this!!!!

What's HOT what's NOT #5

HOT




New Caramel Aero Bar - Yummy yummy yummy, I've got love in my tummy and I feel like lovin you!!!



Federal Governments Tax Cuts - Thank fuck! Now we just need the price of petrol to come down, oh, I don't know, $1 a litre, and we can stop begging on the streets, you bastards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Our miners, safe at last - YAY!! A human interest piece I WILL read.



Dave Grohl - Officially, the nicest guy in rock and roll.

NOT



Daive Blaine - For your next stunt, try disappearing. You idiot.



Chequebook Journalism - Cringe.



Britney pregnant again - Say goodbye to what was left of your figure and career, you idiot.

Someone's got the wobbles

This was me today.

I fainted.

On the train.

On the way to work.

I fainted.

I remember:
1. Walking to the train station.
2. Getting on the train.
3. Taking up my standing position in the aisle.
4. I could see a very tall woman who was wearing a black over coat with fire engine red hair, firey red lipstick and cherry red heels.
5. I noticed a girl about my age, bopping along to whatever was playing on her IPod, I remember seeing how perfect her hair style was, and regretted not dragging my ass out of bed early enough to have time to blow dry my hair.
6. I saw a guy that reminded me of my primary school principal, minus the clerical collar. I wondered if the real one remembered making me polish the organ pipes in the chapel because I called Shelly McKinnon a smelly retard.
7. I wondered if Shelly McKinnon was still indeed, a smelly retard.
8. I started to feel sweaty and hot.
9. I took off my white wooley scarf and rolled up the sleaves of my brand new, baby pink cashmere cardigan.
10. I felt thirsty.
11. I woke up on the floor of the train with about 20 people huddled around me. I hear things like "She hit the deck, she needs water!!!"
12. I could hear the emergency button on the train being pushed over and over.
13. I heard the driver come over the loud speaker and tell everybody a stretcher would be waiting for me at the next station.
14. I looked up and could see a bald, shiny head looking over me. The bald, shiny head introduced himself as Neil.
15. About 20 people helped me from the train, the train driver walked up to make sure I was ok.
16. I apologised to everyone around me, between tears.
17. I was given water and I finally felt the beginnings of normal YGF again.

I am not sure why I fainted. All I know is that, I would thank those people who helped me this morning a million times over.
I live in a great city/country full of kind/friendly people.
I apologise to communters on the Epping/Hurstbridge line who experienced delays of up to 10 minutes because of my episode.

I have a headache.

Ice Queen

It is deathly cold here. I am so jealous of you above the equator kiddies right now.

The weekend was a waste, it was bloody cold and if it wasn't bloody cold, it was bloody raining or bloody cold and bloody raining. I think you get my drift.

And what do you know... Monday rears it's ugly head into my cosy, under the blankets, dream time and it's still bloody cold and raining! It took all of my strength not to call in sick.... mmmmm doona day. I feel one coming on.

Essendon lost, again. The Cats lost, again. I'm getting reading to throw in the towel, cut up my membership card and post it to Kevin Sheedy. Mark Thompson needs to be sacked. I'm becoming extremely unforgiving... and I don't care.

It was the Logies here last night. For everyone that just said "Logies?!!? What the?!!?" ... its the Aussie version of your Emmy's, but much less glamorous and not as boring (No offence). It is both cringe-worthy and hilarious, for so many reasons... but mostly focused on having fun... which is the Australian way.

Every year we bring out a few American celebrities to be special guests, to amp up the publicity and excitement.
Every year, on the red carpet, we see 3 or 4 very jet lagged, very scared and freaked out Americans, mouthing to their agents... "What is WRONG with these people?!", "these people are CRAZY!!", "PLEASE let me go back to my hotel and SLEEP!!", "YOU'RE FIRED!".

Yes, we are a little crazy, in quite a hyperactive way. We are simple folk and our humour is different to yours... and of course, we don't carry BIG POLES UP OUR ARSES ON A REGULAR BASIS!!!! So shut up, and go home... we don't want ya anyways...

The rare exception this year was Joan Rivers. What a crack up. She is absolutely hilarious! I loved the way she made fun of us, made fun of herself and everything around her. She is one funny lady.

So this is cringe-worthy:


This is funny:



Joan, of course, got me thinking about plastic surgery and a woman here that has spent over 100 grand to look like Elizabeth Hurley. I know this happens all the time, but it got me thinking about who I would want to look like if my face got blown off (or something!).

I think I would aim to look like her:



Although, I would definitely keep what my Momma gave me in the 'rack department'.

Who would you look like???

YGF x

Solid Ground

Yup... that's where I am. Not sure exactly what that means in the grand scheme of things... but it fits my mood well enough.

It's lunch time on Friday here 'downunder' and I cannot wait to get out of this god-forsaken place!
But, one must soldier on with client phone calls, press conferences and endless paperwork.

The leader of the Liberal Party (state opposition) resigned here yesterday. So there has been shit-loads of media liaison (that term us spin-doctors pull out of our arses quite regularly, and charge a bucket load for) and lobbying, lobbying, lobbying.

This plus a few other things, happening downunder are at least filling the newspapers with interesting, intelligent, politically minded, REAL news... which is great... cos if I hear the word 'TomKat' one more time... I swear to God....................

claustrophobic anyone? - A couple of blokes are stuck 1km underground, after an earthquake caused the mine they were working in to collapse. Rescuers are working overtime to get them out, still, 11 days later. Poor guys, but they will make it out alive unlike some of their coworkers.

AFL - Cop it sweet Saints
Last round, there was uproar at an umpires mistake during the St Kilda/Fremantle match. When the final siren is sounded the umpire is supposed to raise his arms to declare the game officially over. Fremantle were leading by a point at the siren. They thought they had won. The umpire kept the ball in play and St Kilda kicked a point to tie the score. Long story short, after much whinging and hard-ball-talking, the AFL board awarded Freo the win (4 premiership points) the Saints got NADA.
Which is probably the right decision, but affected my tipping score. Damn it!

Tonight I'm heading to the G (yay!) for the first time in a year!!! This round is what they call the rivalry round, where all teams that basically hate each others guts (according to tradition - we are talking decades!) play against each other! The derby's in WA and SA are always great to watch.

My thesis is getting there slowly. I need to spend about 100 more hours on it though. Can you say daunting?

So it's busy, busy around here in Melbourne town... and you thought us Aussies just sat around playing 'Knifey-Spoony' all the time!!! HA!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Knifey-Spoony




Til we meet again... xx

Bring on Friday

I am so stuffed up with snot and fleghm that I'm about to explode!!! I HATE being sick. I become even more sooky and bitchy than usual and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and die!

Friday is too far away! I need sleep... and plan to do that for most of my weekend.

J and I seem to be growing further and further apart. I'm not sure why, but it is leaving me very uneasy and anxious.
He works a lot, studies a lot, has a lot of responsibilities/commitments and I'm not getting squeezed into his schedule much. This causes me to get very demanding of his attention and him to resent me for it. When we do get to spend time together it isn't the same, not as fun, not as loving or passionate, we are always too tired to bother with much ... we are starting to argue over little things. It's a downward spiral.

Perhaps our relationship has naturally run its course. Perhaps I should just stop worrying and let him go. Maybe he doesn't want to be let go. As you can see I am very confused...

I kept thinking that I should just be patient. Afterall, he is in his final year of uni and works enough to cover the expenses of his business and such. He is always there for me when I need him. So maybe he is needing me to be there for him. I kept thinking that we just needed something to bring us closer together again, reignite the happiness and passion and closeness… and then he called me last night at 1am to tell me his grandmother had just died. How terrible for him and his family… he seems upset, but he is a guy afterall, you never can tell.

I’m trying to be there for him, without actually being there… but I’m scared he will push me away, then I will push him away… blah blah, again with the downward spiral.

I will see him Friday night at the G for a footy match with a lot of friends and family. Not the greatest time and place to be feeling alienated from my J J. I guess now I’ll be bottling up my feelings and concerns as per usual and soldiering on. And on. And on.

I hate that relationships get comfortable. I miss that feeling of him being so intensely attracted and involved in me that felt like the hottest, spunkiest, most interesting women on the face of the planet. Now I just feel frumpy, ugly, extremely un-confident and vunerable. It's like I'm only good for one thing... and unfortunately it's not sex.

Love sucks.

What's HOT what's NOT #4

HOT



HOTEL BABYLON - Just when I thought trash TV couldn't get any better (Aussie Big Brother just started), I'm pampered with the trashiest, British trash there ever was. The Brits do bitchy so well. I'm still trying to figure out my obsession with mindless dribble, I think it's due to overloading my brain with heavy stuff during the day - my brain turns to mush as soon as I step out of office/school.



www.retrojunk.com - Take a trip down memory lane. Some of the 70's/80's commercials are just darned hilarious!



Mission Impossible 3 - More mindless dribble for my mushy brain! As much as I dispise that wanker (I still love him in Top Gun/Risky Business days) - I think this mindless dribble is going to be a rockin action flick! Anything J.J Abrams has his name on, usually is.

NOT



Mondays - Need I say more?!



Cold/Flu Season - It got me!!!! Damn you germs, now I can hardly sleep, breathe, eat or move because of you, you nasty little shits.



Skating with Celebrities - You HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!