Fucker

To the fucker that picked up my misplaced wallet/stole it out of my bag and didn't hand it in, I hope you enjoy my:

White crocodile skin wallet: A Christmas gift from J, that I LOVED. You have no idea how much trouble I am in!!
$16.50 - you can surely leave town with that. Have fun on your trip to Geelong.
CANCELLED Credit/Debit cards - I am a poor person anyway, sucker.
Boost Juice Loyalty Card: Enjoy my free juice, dickhead.
My drivers license: I wanted a new photo anyway.
My business cards: Now you can pretend you work at a boutique public relations firm, to impress your loser friends. Idiot.
My house keys: A mistake on my part - foolishly thinking it was the safest place for them until I got a key ring. NOTHING in my wallet suggests the details of my NEW place of residence, so have fun trying to use the keys at my Dad's place. He will smack that loser ugly face of yours until you cry like a baby.
My University student card: Do you want to sit my exams?!!? Cos that would be ace.
The only photo I have of me, my Mum and my Dad together (they haven't been in the SAME ROOM for at least 20 years!) - you have no idea how much it meant to me.

I mean, why not just call me and I'll come and get it!! My name and number are clearly printed on my business card!! Why keep my shit!?!? It's completely worthless to you!!

Are you some sort of sick fuck that has been following me around, thinking I'm the bee's knees and now you are trying to take on my life. Are you trying to BE me?!?! Wanker.

This totally sucks.

I've been robbed!!!

You know what they say, bad luck comes in three's. I wonder what number 2 and 3 have in store for me!

Foxxy Shagswell??

Your Pimp Name Is...

Foxxy Shagswell

What's Your Pimp Name?

More like a porn star name than a pimp's... but I'm not going to argue.

What's yours???

Cinemas Biggest Knobs

GQ magazine has recently compiled a list of who they think are cinemas biggest assholes.

Who took the cake you ask?!?

Johnny Laurence from the Karate Kid (1984)



I have to say that I agree.

He was a dick.

After racking my brain trying to think of others that would be worthy, I couldn't put my finger on any one character.

Can you think of any other characters that may deserve to be on the "Dickhead Dozen"?!?!

YGF x

Friday Funnies

Following last week's London air crisis, I have noticed a few things circulating the web that are just plain funny.

The "Chaser Boys", a group of Aussie comedians who have their own TV show - "The Chaser's War on Everything"... are often pulling pranks. Some good ones, some positively HILARIOUS ones!!
This is one of them:
http://www.theage.com.au/news/national/al-kyder-virgin-on-the-ridiculous/2006/08/18/1155407999231.html

Another, is European airline Ryanair who are trying to lighten up the dark side of flying.
In my opinion, pointless nudity should be compulsory on all flights. Well, maybe not... but it would be fun!
http://www.ryanair.com/site/EN/notices.php?notice=060822-ASP-EN

Have a good weekend!!

YGF x

What's HOT what's NOT #7

HOT


Jennifer Hawkins - Former Miss Universe, Jen is slowly becoming the media darling of 2006 here downunder. A typical Aussie sheila, who laughs off embarassing 'waldrobe malfunctions', is hard not to like. What a top chick!




The Daily Show - Just hit Aussie cable TV a few months ago. He's funny.



Scrubs - Still the only show to give me happy belly laughs. Televised at 11:30pm over here - it's an effort to stay awake, but always worth it.

NOT



Nicole Ritchie - Has she eaten anything yet?!?!? How utterly revolting. Please don't tell me, men actually find this look attractive?!?!



Election time downunder - Fucking stupid politicians, gearing up for fucking election. Fucking stupid advertisements and fucking photo ops', fucking kill me please, fucking!!!!! Aaaaaaargh!!! I have an interest in politics, but hate liars, so where does that leave me - fucking frustrated!!



K-fed - You look ridiculous dude. Who invited you anyway?!? Ad who in their right mind asked you to "rap"?!?!

Better than a poke in the eye, with a sharp stick

It seems that Blogger and I ain't friends no-more.
I have had a few draft posts ready to go, I was just waiting to upload the pics... Blogger says no.
So it's boring black and white for now. In the meantime, I'll sum up the last week or two, with the good and the bad....


Good: I got a pay rise.
Bad: Because I am now over a certain wage threshold, ALMOST ALL of it goes to "HECS". You see, the government has been paying for my university education, now that I'm finally earning some real cash, they want me to pay them back. Geez! The nerve!
Good: It's better than a poke in the eye, with a sharp stick.

Good: I move into my new place on the weekend.
Bad: I hate packing.
Good: I love my new place.
Bad: The electricity may not be switched on.
Good: A chance to play hide and seek in the dark. Yay!
Bad: Last time I did that, I fell down the stairs. It hurt my bum.

Bad: Am invited to a "Bad Taste" party in a couple of weeks.
Good: J and I are going as K-Fed and Britney.
Bad: I make a damn good looking skank.
Good: J digs that.

Good: Caught up with some long lost friends on Saturday night.
Bad: I couldn't get a cab and had to walk home from the city. 6km!
Bad: In heels.
Good: It counts as exercise.
Bad: It was really fucking dangerous.
Good: They were plenty of car loads of guys that were willing to help me home.
Bad: Accepting lifts from stangers at 3am is not a good move anymore.

Good: I still love blogging.
Bad: My stats are looking lonely and miserable.
Good: I will start giving out sexual favours for comments.
Bad: As above.

Bad: It's state election time downunder.
Good: I am sincerley interested in politics.
Bad: But I hate politicians.
Good: I have a toy gun that I can shoot at the television whenever one of those bastards says anything.
Bad: It is compulsory to vote in Australia.
Good: Donkey voting is all the rage.

Good: I have just booked a holiday to Thailand over Xmas break.
Bad: I have to find the money to pay for it.
Good: I like holidays.

Prank Call

I love prank calls and this one is a hoot! Check it out!

http://sceal.co.nz/photos/Odds%20n%20Sods/Demolition_Dubliner_-_Becky.mp3

The times, they are a changin...

In two weeks, I will be moving into my new apartment!! Yay!!

Finally, we found something that didn't look like a brothel/half-way house!
Finally, we got approved for a house that we love!
Finally, things are starting to take shape in my life!

It's a cute two bedroom townhouse, complete with dining room, study and little courtyard.
Beautiful bay windows and french folding doors.
Crisp, freshly painted white walls and staircase bannisters.
Brand new carpet and slim line blinds.

My bedroom has a view of the city and the sweet little park next door.

A gorgeous cobble stone drive way and big, black cast iron gates.

I'm in love.

So excited to be moving into a place that will not only save me a lot of money but change my life completely.
Although it will take me a little longer and more travel (tram + train) to get to work, I doubt I will be working here for that much longer anyway!

I have my annual review with my boss on the 23rd. Where I am going to ask for a significant pay rise.
I am 80% positive he will say no. So I will resign.
Great plan eh!?!

Plently of money to be earnt out there, just gotta go out and get it!
And after a few months in this new place, I will have my finances in order, for the first time in two years! Hooray!

Until then, I will be living on rice crackers and apples - which is also fine. Who needs food, when one has an awesome pad, the coolest friends, terrific family and fabulous boyfriend.

J has been absolutely spectacular in dealing with my depressive moods as of late.
I'm lucky to have him stick by me... trust me, I have been a total bitch.
He has been excellent in the house hunting process, always keeping an eye out and going to look at apartments for me on his days off. He also lent me the cash to make bond and first months rent. I am truly blessed.

Things are moving at a fast pace... in a great, excellent, truly fucking fabulous direction!

Will post photos soon.

WISH ME LUCK!!!!

True Story

Saturday was a typical Melbourne wintery day. Cold, wet, windy... just plain drab.
I was enjoying a nice indoor type of day. Getting a few chores done around the house, watching the midday "feel-good" movie, washing my hair, moisturising, exfoliating, blah, blah, blah.

J had called, expressing his desire to wreck havoc on the city with a wild night out with the boys and I was growing more and more content with curling up on the couch with some DVD's for the evening.

Then my good friend T called.


"Hello"
"Em, what are you doing??"
"Ahhhh, that all depends..."
"On what?"
"On what you are calling for?"
"Get in the shower and get all prettied up... I'll be there in 30 mins"

... At this stage I've caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror...

"Um, it could take a little bit longer than that... but to be honest, whatever you're sellin, I ain't buying!"
"Pleeeeeeeeaseeeeeeee!! I need you to hold my hand... There is this warehouse party at the wharf, M will be there and you know how much I just adore him!!! Pleeeeeaaseeee!!"

... My gorgeous friend T, is probably the least self conscious person I know, so if she needed me to "hold her hand" through something I knew it meant a lot to her...

But...

"T, I'm really not up for a party... I have nothing to wear, a pimple the size of my ass on my chin and well... Sleepless in Seattle is on TV tonight... I just want to stay home.... "

THE SILENCE WAS DEADLY!

.......

.......

"Hello!!!! How old are you?!!?!? 60?!?!!?.... I WILL BE THERE IN 30 MINUTES!!!!"

Damn.

So 30 minutes go by.
I've ran around the house like a mad woman trying my best to look glamorous. Because anyone who is someone, attends M's parties and photos from the night are all over the society pages the next day.

I'm in a bad mood because I look more like a Chanel wearing junkie, than a glamour puss.
T barges through the door with a bottle of champagne in one hand and a bottle of tequila in the other.

I could already feel the hangover.

2 hours, three outfits and WAY too many tequila shots later, we arrive at the party.
I'm remarkably in a much better mood.

The place was like a nightclub, the line went around the block, it it was pouring rain!!!
Luckily we were on the guest list. (I've known M long before he became "cool")

Inside the party, there were more Paris Hilton wannabes, drug dealers and mafia members than one could poke a stick at. 2 minutes went by and T and already left me, chasing around M... who had thrown me over his shoulder as I walked in, shouting "This one is mine fellas!!!" and slapping me on the bum. Totally embarrassing - All 10 years of our friendship. Haha.

Without T, I was becoming more and more uncomfortable talking to a guy who was SO high, he was sticking straws up his nostrils until it hurt, laughing, then repeating. I'm serious.

I decided to go for a walk to find T.

The warehouse was massive and quite impressive. A winding staircase in each corner of the room took you to the second floor, which was like a collection of torture chambers. Big metal doors opened up into intimate lounges, where people were having intelligent conversations, heated debates and laughing fits in between lines of coke and joints.

The third floor was much the same, expect there was a dance floor with a jumping castle in the middle.

Excellent! I thought to myself, as I made my way to the castle. I'm going to bust some jumping castle moves, these wankers won't forget!!
The dance floor was hot and sweaty, bodies everywhere, the lights so dim that I could hardly see. I was blinded by quick flashes of the disco lights and the music was so loud, it was vibrating through everyones bones. I heard my name being called as I made my way though the sticky, sweaty mess and I saw T, bumping and grinding with anyone that came close enough. "Come with me to the castle", I said, as I grabbed her by the hand and we finally made it.. in one piece.

As I opened the curtain, I caught a glimpse of a girl with her top off. Weird, I thought.
After we had entered the castle I realised what we had walked into.

An orgy.

I swear, there were about 50 people getting it on in there, people were layered on top of each other, 3 fold... I had never seen anything like it in my life!! I was shocked, slightly scared, aroused, confused, freaked out, excited... all at the same time. T was laughing. The effects of the alcohol were blurring our judgments. We were clearly being invited in and we didn't know what to do.

As we stood there, dumbfounded... The quick flashes of the lights across my face, were like quick thoughts running through my mind.

What would J do in this situation?
Will I ever be in this situation again?
Am I too innocent?
Am I too naughty?
Would my parents disown me?
Did I shave my legs?
Am I too drunk?
Am I drunk enough?

20 minutes later, we were back at my place discussing the events of the evening. We both agreed that we will never experience anything like that, EVER AGAIN - and laughed. It was a good party, afterall. Even if we didn't take our clothes off.

What would YOU do?!?!?