Countdown to Singledom

So J is leaving to go OS indefinetly in about 3 months.

He is looking for work in the UK and wants to travel Europe.

It's strange to have a time limit on your relationship.

Everything will change.

Things will be different. I'll be different.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Joke

What do Australian men use for contraception?
Their personalities!!

HAHAHAHAHA!

It's funny cos it's true!!!

The fucker's rich

See that annoying little smirk on his face?
Do you know why he is so happy?
He just turned 18 and got $47 million out of his trust fund for being Harry Potter.
Just for being lucky enough to look like a fictional character some pommy bitch made up in her head.

What a lucky bastard.

I'm not jealous or anything. Swear.

Frilly Knickers

It's fucking freezing.
By far the coldest winter of my life.
It seems to be dragging on. Everyone is in a depressive funk.
No motivation. No energy.
I wake up in the dark and get home from work in the dark.
It's a bore.

So to help cheer me up, I went on my yearly winter splurge on frilly/racey/lacey/completley slutty, dirty knickers.
Why you ask? Shouldn't you be buying thermals?
Well, yes. Really.
But you see, I buy the size IM SUPPOSED TO BE, to aid in motivation to lose my winter coat.
Which this year totals 3.5 kilos! (7ish pounds)
I have never put on this much weight over winter. At the moment, I don't really give a shit.
But when bikini season approaches. I will. A great deal.

So I'm hoping the slutty knickers that now make me look like a strung ham will aid in the "winter's nearly over, get your ass up off the coach, stop eating SO much comfort food and stop drinking copius amounts of red wine/scotch/bourbon/vodka/bacardi - fitness regime!"

Wish me luck!!

Me as a kid.

I would spend hours tottering around the back yard in my gum boots and rain coat. I loved climbing trees. And playing coppers and robbers. While the other kids went home to their Mum's covered in dirt and mud, I managed to do everything they did, but stay effortlessly clean. She loved that.

I loved roller skating and dancing.

I was pretty violent and always stood up for myself. If any of the boys around the neighbourhood would tease me, I would punch them in the face.

Two boys in our neighbourhood had a mother who was crazy. Like, totally mad. She used to let her sons run around the park naked. Completley starkers. I saw their willies and ran home to my Mum crying. Completley terrified by these funny looking things things blowing in the breeze.

My favourite movies were the Wizard of Oz, Willy Wonka, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, The Labyrinth, Neverending Story, Back to the Future, Annie and The Land Before Time.

ET scared the shit out of me.

I used to sneak into the hallway after my bed time - where you could see the TV. I used to think it was so cool, because Mum never caught me out and I could watch the "grown up shows". One night "It" was on. I had nightmares for weeks and never snuck into the hallway after my bed time, ever again.

My fave TV Shows were Punky Brewster, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Roger Ramjet, The Jetsons, Care Bears, Captain Planet, Full House and Saved by the Bell.

When I grew up I wanted to be an astronaut, a professional ballerina or Punky Brewster.

Among my most cherished possessions where Warren my Cabbage Patch Kid, my Bubblegum sneakers and my pink fluro slinky that never once got tangled.

My dog Sheba (a black lab) was my best friend. She went everywhere with me. I absolutely adored her. Some boys threw rocks at her one day. I chased them down on my pink bike and threw rocks back at them. Little fuckers.

I would often catch Praying Mantis' and keep them in an old Vegemite jar with holes in the lid. I would name them Bruce or Cindy and become so attached that when Mum forced me to let them go I would cry and cry and cry and wait on the back porch for them to come back.

I read almost all of the Baby Sitter's Club and Nancy Drew series.

I desperatley wanted a Super Nintendo but never got one. Until I bought one for 5 dollars at a garage sale about 4 years ago. I still dust it off and clock Super Mario every now and then!

Like most kids I never wanted to eat my vegetables which would result in many a screaming match with my mother. She wouldn't allow me to have dessert but didn't know about the secret lolly stash I had in my room.

I was very adventurous and fiercely independent (apparently I used to try and change my own nappies!!) and would wander off on my Mum almost daily. She would always threaten to leave me in the car when she went shopping, but she never did.

Mum used to have to be at work by 6:30-7am. I would always wake up to the smell of toast and coffee and the sound of the shower running. I would drag myself out of bed and sneak into the bathroom and wrap myself up in the clothes she had carefully laid out (to wear to work) and go back to sleep. She hated that.

Testing 1, 2, 3

Friday 9:23am
Doctor's Office - Pathology

"Ok Miss, we are ready for you" said the nurse with the heavy Spanish accent.
I'm frozen to my chair. I feel heavy. A dead weight.
I smile at her and force myself to move.

"I fucking hate needles"... I say to myself, as I nervously approach the big chair.

"I'm Madge... and you are?" says the Spanish lady.
"Emma" I force out, staring at the tiled floor.
I give her my form and she stares blankly at the Doctor's handwriting.
"Ummmmm, do you know what these requests are for?" she asks.
"How would I know lady?!"... I wince at my sudden rudeness and apologise.
"I found a lump in my neck, something about lymph nodes or some crap" I say and repeat my apology.
"Oh, so cancer screening?" she prompts...
"Yes, I suppose".. my speedy heart, sweaty palms and lump in my throat allow me nothing more, than those pathetic three words.

She prepares my right arm and jabs me.
"Ok, now relax and don't move", she says both sweetly and sternly.
I keep my eye on the smiley face stickers, the phone number list, the sink... anything on the opposite side of the room to my arm.

"Are you feeling ok?" she asks, as I'm counting the seconds.
"Yeah fine, why?" I lie.
"It's just that... um... nothing is coming" she whispers hesitantly, sensing my discomfort.
I keep my eyes away and stay quiet. I don't want to panic. But I don't know what to say. I'm breathing. My heart is definetly beating. I'm sure there is some blood in there.
She alters her position on her stool and says "Wiggle you legs a little... keep sqeezing the ball, it's ok relax..."
I feel far from relaxed. I have a fucking lump in my neck and no blood. I'm an alien. Or I really am sick. One of the two.

"It's very cold out today", she says "You circulation is suffering" she lies.
I cringe. I hated this woman. Even though she seemed lovely and didn't deserve my disdain. I hated her at that moment.

8 minutes and a few drips later, she said "It's coming now, don't worry, it's just a little stubborn" she laughed. "But not really that normal" she's still laughing.

Ha fucking ha lady.
You should win a prize for being so fucking hilarous.

I finally have confirmation that I'm not normal.

She should get another fucking prize for being so smart!

Stay tuned to find out if I'm an alien or not.